A couple of weeks ago, I sat down during Jack’s naptime to write up a schedule for a friend of ours who would be taking care of our five children while Tim and I took an international trip. I did my best to include only the essentials, nixing a few lessons and practices to make the schedule more bearable for her. It took me almost four hours.
The spreadsheet included what needed to happen and when, who would be taking whom and where, what needed to be prepared ahead of time, which of these events she would need to attend, and when/what to have each person eat so no one would get hangry. Seriously, it was quite the process.
And that didn’t even include basic instructions for caring for Jack, essential rules to keep order in our home and other suggestions for ensuring a smooth six days! (I typed those up the next day-it took another 2 1/2 hours).
Rarely do we as moms (and dads, for that matter) sit down and quantify all the minutia required in running a household and caring for our families. We settle into a groove, waking up at insane hours to care for children, clean house, meet schedule demands, and fill stomachs.
We rarely keep a tally of the daily sacrifices we make for these humans we love so deeply. Sometimes not quantifying these mundane tasks can create a sense that what we do day in and day out doesn’t count for much.
Oh, but it does.
I was raised to believe that motherhood was next to godliness. I learned it in church, I watched it modeled by my mother, and I saw my father’s appreciation for what she did on the homefront while he put bread on the table. I felt the love that one can only feel when a mother prioritizes her children over worldly pursuits.
My mom is truly one of the best.
I pursued an education, understanding that I could perform well in any career I chose. My intellect, among other talents (in music and languages) was strong. It would have been easy for me to rationalize that a career would satisfy me better or that my talents would be wasted if I stayed at home to raise my children.
I held firm in my motherly aspirations. My goal was to pursue a field that I enjoyed, get a degree (or two or three) and be flexible if/when marriage and children came along. Fortunately for me, both of them did.
Though my plans for law school were sidelined, my performing opportunities stymied and my earning potential decreased, there is no doubt in my mind that I am doing exactly what I was born to do. And I have zero regrets.
Why? Because I have an unshakeable knowledge that the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the modern feminist movement has steered women away from our homes by teaching us that home life is mundane and “beneath” us. This misguided philosophy has contributed to what I see as a crumbling society. Truly.
Think about it. When our children spend more time learning at the feet of their peers than their parents, what are the outcomes? When our children see that our careers take up more of our days than time spent with them, what messages do we send about their worth and value? When family dinners consist of grabbing take out and shoveling it in on the drive home, what benefits do our kids miss out on?
I’m not trying to make people feel bad, particularly those who need to work. We all have to make choices based on our circumstances and limitations.
But I am trying to empower women who choose family over career. Absent the accolades and financial benefits that working mothers attain, mothers who do not work outside the home need reassurance that their work is enough. Valued. Essential. Indeed, next to godliness.
I am abundantly blessed to have a husband who provides adequately for our family and supports me staying home 100%. That is a gift I do not take lightly.
But we cannot underestimate the damage that society faces when we decide that women should do anything and be anything they want. And that wanting to be a mother doesn’t count. It’s too…beneath us. It lacks aspiration.
There are costs to this dangerous philosophy.
One of my daughters engaged in a discussion with some peers at school a few weeks ago. Her teacher overheard her saying something to the effect of: “If I don’t get married, I’ll probably do something in the medical field. If I DO get married, I’d like to pursue photography so I can stay home with my kids.”
Her teacher, overhearing this portion of the conversation, could not pass up the opportunity to set the record straight.
“Lily, you can do whatever you want. You don’t need to adjust your dreams based on whether you start a family or not.”
You know what? She’s absolutely right. Lily can do whatever she wants. But since when is doing whatever one wants best for society at large (or even for oneself, for that matter)? Why can’t we, like Lily, be a little less selfish in our approach to family life and careers?
Is it so unfathomable that what my daughter wants most is to be a mother? And why is that aspiration greeted with the suggestion that she’s being complacent?
Stick to your guns, Lily. What so many people think they want out of life turns out to be fleeting. What you want? Motherhood? The impact spans eternity.
