Is it so surprising that helicopter parents have increased as family size has decreased? (Admittedly, I’m not quoting any reputable studies on the matter, but helicopter parenting has gotten a lot of press in recent years).
The other day my second oldest told me about a conversation she’d recently had with friends. A couple of her friends indicated that their parents complain a little when they spend time away from them. They make them feel guilty for not carving out sufficient family time.
My daughter responded that we never do that. We’re usually unphased when she wants to spend time away from us. Why? Because we have four more children to occupy our every waking moment. Get in line.
That conversation awoke in Lily a gratitude for our (by today’s standards) oversized family. We don’t have all of our eggs in one basket so we don’t get all codependent on her. If she’s not around to drive us nuts, there’s always another battling for her/his fair share of attention.
Parents of lots of children don’t have time to micromanage. They’re too tired to be concerned that their kids are spending too much time away from home. They’re glad for the break. Am I right or am I right?
Seriously, at the end of the day (about 8:30, if I’m honest), I’ve cooked enough, cleaned enough, chauffeured enough, disciplined enough and been mauled enough to fall into bed and dream of what it would be like to not have any children. Like, every night.
You can bet your britches I’m not gonna guilt trip my teenagers over wanting to hang out with their buddies. Good riddance.
I kid. But only sort of.
The thing is, one of the biggest arguments against having a large family is that parents are stretched too thin to give their kids adequate attention. Lily’s comment begs the question…have we overestimated the amount of attention that qualifies as “adequate”?
The funny part is that, had I limited my family size to, say two, maybe three kids, I would be the most helicoptering parent out there. I’m sure of it.
In fact, Tim has gone so far as to say I’ve loosened up since having children. Particularly once we hit the third child.
Loosened up? Not so much. Too exhausted to care? More accurate. Three plus kids can beat the control freak out of just about anyone.
It also got me thinking. Lily’s friend’s parents both work outside the home. Their two kids spend a lot of time at home. Alone, that is. Time that they would otherwise be spending with their parents. So naturally, on the weekends, when their friends are available to hang out (and their parents are, too, incidentally), they’ll pick their friends.
Problem is, mom and dad have earmarked the weekends as family time because they’re not around on the weekdays.
Makes me grateful that I am home when my kids are, for the most part. That way, when the weekend rolls around we can all take a break from each other. No guilt.
To be fair, I’m not sure that Lily’s friends were complaining about feeling obligated to spend time with their parents. Since their parents are not around much during the week, they probably miss them, too.
But, at the end of the day, a teenager is almost always going to choose her friends. So why not just have more kids so you don’t get lonely? Or maybe just stay home with them a little more so you get bored of each other and can get some breathing room without feeling shortchanged.
I think I’ve found the solution to helicopter parenting… one simply doesn’t have the energy to coddle ones kids when they outnumber the parents.
Take that, overpopulation peeps. My kids might be draining the world’s resources, but they’re pleased as punch about not being micromanaged. Maybe that way they stand a chance at surviving the end of the world. Without me, that is.
I’ll be napping. 18 years times five will do that to a girl.
Another one that made me think and realize families and people are so varied, and not for some of the reasons we assume. James and I both have a general dislike for our kids hanging out with friends on the weekends. We have a fairly big family, that is loud, crazy and sometimes exhausting. And I don’t think we qualify as helicopter parents – they can play outside independently, I give my friend heart attacks with with how free we are with them in physical activities.
We don’t mind going to their events and sports games together as a family on Saturdays (or split up as the case is becoming to be), we make all the kids come with us and watch if just one is playing. But for the most part, we love having all of us- all seven of us together for most of the weekend. The week is filled with play dates, school activities, lesson, practice, etc but the weekends are ours. I expect our kids will complain about this as they get older. I did with my parents. But I also appreciate that they kept us close- it made my sisters and I form tight friendships since we lived in a rural area and they refused to drive us to friend’s houses and limited our time with them on the weekends. I also expect that we will loosen up and let them go out with friends on some weekends. But if James has his way, he’ll have all of them with us a lot- he loves having people around him and hanging out with his kids and I hope that doesn’t change.
No, I would not consider you helicopter parents. :). How funny to hear that your parents wouldn’t drive you to see friends on the weekends! Especially since you lived in a rural area and had no other options. Forced family togetherness. Haha!
I’m finding that as the kids get older I have less and less control over what they do so it’s important to pick my battles. Weekends would be nice together (and, to be honest, we spend a fair amount of them together as a family) but I’m not miffed if my kids make plans with others on a Saturday night. In fact, I appreciate the extra time I get with the ones who are home.