How doing something for me made me a better mother.
It’s been said that “water cannot be drawn from an empty well” and that advice applies in particular to mothers. The task to raise children is a daunting one and can tax even the most energetic of women. It’s easy to get caught up in the idea that to mother is to give everything to our children and, while I believe that to err on the side of this extreme is better than the opposite, as always, there is a balance to be struck.
How does one find that balance? How can a mother know when her well needs to be replenished and how can she determine exactly what would do the trick? Some mothers have regular opportunities for replenishment : a satisfying job outside the home, a college course or two, a book club or exercise group, a religious study group or regular girls’ night. Still others, like me, fill their wells in less regular increments: squeezing in dates with the hubby, taking an occasional trip (sans kids and sometimes husband as well), a spa day or participation in a community musical.
Each mother can determine the frequency of said “breaks” and the nature of them. The trick is to do it deliberately and to make each moment away from your kids count. It’s also important to refrain from feeling entitled to a “break” or claiming that you “need” it. Despite the fact that there are obvious benefits to filling one’s well, I dare say that such attitudes diminish the sense of gratitude we feel for the opportunity to pursue one’s own interests AND for the appreciation we feel at the opportunity to be called “mother” in the first place. There are very few things we “need” in life and it’s safe to say that a break from parenting does not make the short list.
Still, a quote from M. Russell Ballard reads:
Find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests. Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your life, and make time for them. Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children.
Notice he said “pick one or two things” and set aside a “little time” so that we would not fall into the trap of prioritizing ourselves over our deserving families.
On occasion, I have lacked such judgment and determined that my chosen “replenishment” was not replenishing at all and simply an escape. Other times my chosen rejuvenation was just that and benefitted my family indirectly by inspiring me to be a better me.
One such time came a few years ago when I decided to participate in a community choir for the 8 weeks leading up to Thanksgiving. I decided to do it largely because I missed performing and because it would only require a few hours a week for a short period of time. And yes, because it would give me a break from my children.
The experience was everything I hoped it would be. The music penetrated my soul and filled me with gratitude. I formed cherished friendships. My voice began to do things it hadn’t after years of relative disuse. But the most remarkable effect it had was the way it changed my parenting.
I had become caught up in a cycle of negativity with my daughters. Their strong wills compelled me to match them with progressively harsher discipline and it wasn’t working.
During one particular rehearsal, the choir was having serious pitch problems. As we sang a certain a cappella number our problems with intonation were readily obvious. I’m sure it was a source of frustration to our accomplished conductors. Instead of criticizing, however, they lavished praise on us and simply gave us tools to help us improve our intonation.
I learned something about parenting that day. I learned that negativity is rarely a catalyst for change. I learned to exercise patience with my children who had far less experience and wisdom than I (much as I had less experienced than these incredible choir directors). I learned to use praise as motivation for improvement.
I am so grateful that I was deliberate and prudent in my decision to spend time away from my family. Consequently, it yielded far more benefits than anticipated. My well was filled to the brim. And then some.