stay-at-home parent

Occasionally I get caught in the comments sections of certain online articles.  I’m consistently amazed by the harshness with which some people approach their comments.  It’s as if they don’t realize there are people behind those online profiles.

If our world were to be judged by the comments sections of online articles, I fear the lack of empathy displayed there would indicate a world in rapid decline.

I read a string of comments the other day from a woman with a clear disdain for stay-at-home moms.  She queried, “Being a stay-at-home mom is NOT a job.  Why is this even a debate?”  She brazenly stated that she “does everything a stay-at-home mom does, plus work a full-time job.”  She went on and on, despite others’ protests, by bitterly labeling stay-at-home moms as “free-loading” “whiners”.  She ought to have been embarrassed.

Before I launch into my retort, please understand that I am not suggesting that stay-at-home moms are more valuable than working moms.  I acknowledge the many reasons why a mother decides that traditional employment best meets her needs and that of her family.  I admire all that working mothers accomplish and the value they add to society.  I don’t think anyone really questions that.  At least not the way many question a stay-at-home mom’s value to society.

Which is why I take issue with this lady’s comments.

First, “Being a stay-at-home mom is NOT a job.”  Please.  People get paid for pretty much every single thing a stay-at-home mom does.  Working parents pay people to do what stay-at-home moms do on a daily basis.  Child care, cooking and housecleaning are merely the tip of the iceberg.  In order to maintain a household, some things simply cannot be left undone.

In dual income homes, both parents (presumably) share those responsibilities fairly evenly.  In a single-income household, one parent performs the lion’s share of those duties…until the bread-winning spouse gets home.   Ideally.  In any case, if the stay-at-home parent is doing something you would have to pay someone else to do if there were no stay-at-home parent, then I think it’s fair to call it a “job”.  Pay or no pay.

Second, “I do everything that a stay-at-home mom does plus work a full-time job”.

Wrong.

There are only 24 hours in a day, lady.  Unless a stay-at-home parent is sitting around eating bonbons all day (and I do acknowledge that those types may exist, though I don’t know any personally), you can bet that for the 9 plus hours a working parent is on the clock, stay-at-home parents are anxiously engaged.

Shall I mention a few of the activities in which they’re engaged?  Yes, let’s.

They’re serving on the parent-teacher associations at your kids’ schools.  They’re teaching/tutoring any number of subjects in the classroom.  They’re chairing fundraisers, running carpools, and coaching your kids’ teams.  They’re the (piano) accompanist for your kids’ choir program.  They’re chaperoning field trips.  They’re pinch-hitting (taking care of your kids) when you’ve got a big meeting at work.  They’re volunteering in the community.  They’re running homeschool co-ops. They’re serving as den mothers and girl scout leaders.  They’re coaching sports teams.  They’re opening their homes to kids whose parents arrive home long after the school bells have rung.  They’re bandaging up scraped knees when someone’s kid gets into a bike wreck on the way home from school.

The list goes on and on.

Working parents do those things, too, you say?  Yes.  Yes, many of them do.  But, trust me when I say that the list of stay-at-home parents doing these things on a consistent basis far eclipses that of working parents.  There simply isn’t enough time in the day to work a full-time job AND do all of the above.  Stay-at-home parents don’t get paid a dime for the laundry list of service they render (that benefit SO many more children than just their own).  So, it would be nice if those who work outside the home wouldn’t discount their contributions.  It’s safe to assume that stay-at-home parents are compensating for much of what working parents simply cannot do because they have a paid profession to attend to.

Third, stay-at-home parents are “free-loaders” and “whiners”.

Oh boy.  At the risk of sounding snarky, if you want to talk about free-loaders, see above for all the things stay-at-home parents do while other parents are busy making money.  I am abundantly grateful that my husband works his tail off to provide for our family so that I can spend my days with our kids.  So grateful that I bust my own buns on the home front to ensure that the sacrifice of one income is worth it.  That’s not free-loading.  It’s division of labor.

As for the whining part, sure, that exists.  Stay-at-home parents whine about never getting a break.  Working parents whine about having to do it all.  The world could definitely do with a whole lot less whining.

Which brings me to my final point: parents need to make decisions about working outside the home (or not) and refrain from criticizing those who choose otherwise.  I realize that the online comments I refer to in this post don’t represent the opinions of everyone.  Still, enough people lack the empathy to recognize the contributions others make whose situations vary from their own.  Instead, they criticize.  Berate, at times.

I am in awe of the working moms I know.

Every few months, when I have to spend three days straight with Jack for his infusions, I catch a glimpse of the skill it takes to manage a household while spending most of the day away from home.  I drop the kids off at school, go to the medical facility with Jack, chase him around with an IV pole for six hours, and get home right as(sometimes after) my kids start walking in the door from school.  On those days, time management is absolutely essential and I have to be extra careful to ensure that each moment with my kids counts.

Bravo to those who do that day in and day out.

I would hope to receive the same sort of consideration from working parents for the efforts I make as a stay-at-home parent.  A little empathy and support goes a long way.  Yes, even in the comments section.