Make new friends, but keep the “old”.
When Tim got his first post-college job and we consequently moved away from both of our families, I was mother to a four-month old daughter. Being active members of our church, we happened into a built-in support system of families, many of whom also had no family close by.
My first week at church, I discovered my tribe in what is called “the mother’s room”. It’s a place where moms can go nurse their babies in privacy while the service is piped in from the chapel. You’ll sometimes find moms with disruptive children who need a time-out. The room also hosts plenty of diaper changes and, during Sunday School, the occasional teenage girl (usually accompanied by a friend) who’s just wants to escape.
But mostly, moms go there to breastfeed. And that particular Sunday, I found that pretty much every female in my congregation was a breastfeeding mom. And all of our babies had to nurse at the exact same time. I’m telling you, it was standing room only in that little space.
Stifling, yes. Encouraging, even more so.
You see, every new mother needs support. We all crave the feeling that we are not alone. Each of us typically finds this camaraderie in women who share the same age and stage. Because they totally get us.
And yet, that first Sunday in a new area, I was fortunate to rub shoulders not just with women who were also young mothers but with those just a few years ahead of me. Those are the friendships I’ve really needed.
Sure, it’s natural to buddy up with families whose kids are the same age for convenience sake. It simplifies play-date arranging, baby swaps, and GNO’s.
But, if I were to do it again, I would cling even harder to the moms who were just a bit older and wiser. The wisdom they impart is priceless.
When your friends are in the trenches with you, you feel validated. But when they are a step ahead of you, you’re empowered. They can warn you of things to come, teach you tried-and-true parenting methods, give you hope that things get better (and remind you to be grateful, because things also get worse).
Making friends with those who are in a different stage of life can evade us if we are not deliberate about doing so. I was lucky that a few of the nursing moms I met my first week at church were on their last kid. Which put them 5-10 years older than me. I realized something very quickly about them.
Parents of school-age children and especially teenagers are far busier than parents of babies and preschoolers can even imagine. Carving out time for new friends is probably not at the top of their list. But they can be persuaded.
Don’t wait for them to host play dates. Ask if they want an early-morning exercise buddy. Start a neighborhood book club. Hire their teenagers to babysit. Rubbing shoulders with experienced moms will bless your life, despite the extra effort it might take.
The adage to make new friends but keep the old, just might be referring to literal age, not longevity. In my experience, navigating the fatigue of early parenting and the emotion of parenting teenagers with grace would seem a daunting task without older, wiser women in my life.
(It still does, but having friends who’ve already fought the fight provides much-needed sustenance to weather it all). Cling to those “old” friends. They are gold.